i feel that i’ve changed a lot in the several months, and sad to say that these changes were not to be proud of.

for people who knew me from way back, they knew me to be very cheerful, a happy-go-lucky person, someone who always try to look on the bright side. i was that person. but right now, i really can’t say that the i was that cheerful anymore, nor am i still an optimist. i still hope for better things, but i don’t think i’m that hopeful.

how did i become to be like this? i admit, it was a gradual change, and i hardly noticed it. i don’t think it’s personal. but i do think that i have extra baggages in my heart that i need to unload. and of course, there are several resentments, hurts and unforgiveness that i really can’t let go yet.

but don’t worry, i would someday unload these things. i just need time to really reflect on these. and probably, i need to talk to some concerned people.

malapit na naman sumapit ang kaarawan ko. at tuwing dumarating ang ganitong panahon, naiisip ko kung ano nga ba ang nangyari noong nakaraang taon. ito ang mga panahon na tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung gaano ba karami ang natutunan ko at gaano karami ang naituro ko sa iba, ilang tao ba ang naimpluwensyahan ko at ilan ang nakaimpluwensya sa akin, ilang tao ang natulungan ko at ilang tao ang nakaperwisyo ako.

ito rin ang mga panahon na inaaalala ko ang mga biyayang natanggap ko at mga bagay na dapat kong ipagpasalamat sa Diyos. ito ang mga panahon na nagmumuni muni ako kung naging makabuluhan ba ang buhay ko nitong 26 na taon na nandito ako as mundo.

hindi ko masasagot ang lahat ng ito, at ang tanging mahihiling ko lang ay sana mas nakatulong ako sa mga taong nasa paligid ko kaysa sa naging pabigat at perwisyo ako. at sana sa lahat ng nakilala ko ng nakalipas na 26 taon, maaalala nila ako bilang isang biyaya na ipinagkaloob sa kanila ng Diyos.

Sabi nga ng kanta ng isa sa mga sikat na banda sa ‘pinas, “Uso pa ba ang harana?” Marahil marami ang magsasabi na hindi na nga uso ang sinaunang pamamaraan ng panliligaw na ito. Ika nga nila, nasa “computer-age” na tayo, hindi na ito “in” at marahil corny na sa paningin ng iba.

Para sa’kin, isa sa mga paraan para maramdaman ng isang babae ang pagmamahal ng isang lalaki ang pang haharana. Isa sa mga pangarap ko ang haranahin. Hindi man isang buong orkestra ang dala ng isang lalaki, kahit simpleng gitara o kahit akapela ay ayos na.

Madalas pag magkausap kami sa telepono, may mga pagkakataon na kumakanta kami ng mga awitin na parehong gusto/alam namin. Pero parating hindi tapos. Pero kagabi, nung magkausap kami sa telepono, kinantahan nya ako ng isang buong kanta. Alam kong nahihiya s’ya at may kataasan yung kanta, pero natutuwa ako kasi tinapos n’ya yung kanta. Kung itatanong n’yo kung ano yung kanta, ito yung kanta ni Regine Velasquez, “Pangarap Ko Ang Ibigin Ka”. Sinabi nya sa akin na ito yung kanta n’ya para sa akin. “Pangarap ko ang ibigin ka.. At sa habang panahon, ikaw ay makasama.. Ikaw na lang ang s’yang kulang sa buhay kong ito.. Pangarap ko ang ibigin ka..”

Sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, malaking parte ng buhay ko ang musika. At ang maranasan ang “panghaharana” na ginawa sa akin kagabi, hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ito. Kahit pa sabihin natin na ito’y panghaharana sa “computer-age”.

“kamusta na ba ako?” isa yan sa mga tanong na nasa utak ko na hindi ko kayang sagutin.

kamusta na nga ba ako? sa dami ng mga ginagawa ko na walang kinalaman sa trabaho ko, ang masasabi ko lang, pagod na ako. hindi ko naman sinasabi na hindi ako nag-eenjoy sa mga ginagawa ko pag sabado’t linggo. nag-eenjoy naman ako, pero napapagod na rin ako sa dami ng mga ginagawa. parang minsan, gusto ko na lang matulog ng buong araw at walang gawin.

minsan, naiisip ko kung tama pa nga ba itong mga pinaggagagawa ko. sa dami ng ginagawa ko, nawawalan ako ng oras para gawin ang mga gawaing bahay ko. at pati pamilya ko, di ko masyado nakakausap. over na di ba?

ilang linggo na lang, matatapos na rin ‘to. konti na lang..

Happy Hearts Day!

It’s that time of the year once again when the prices of flowers and chocolates increase, and restaurants, especially the classy ones, are fully-booked weeks before. Valentine’s concerts and romantic movies are also adamant.

While the ladies from the rest of the world waits for guys to make them feel special on this day, the women here in Japan are the ones buying chocolates for the men. Unlike the other countries, it is customary to give chocolates to men on Valentine’s Day. Most girls take this opportunity to “make a move” to the guy they like. If a guy receives chocolates from a girl, that usually means that the girl likes him (unless the girl gave everyone chocolates).

As for me, I don’t follow this Japanese custom. As I tell my officemates, I’m not Japanese and I still would prefer to be the one receiving chocolates on this day.

i was meaning to write a meaningful entry about the blessings i received last year but i can’t find the proper motivation to do it. but then, i realized that I don’t need any motivation or inspiration to think and remember how God had blessed me the previous year.

1. the biggest blessing that i could think of that i received last year was a special someone. he came in the most unexpected time in my life, which i believe is God’s perfect timing for me. though we’re so far apart at this time, i believe that God has a plan for us, and what we need to do is to trust Him that everything will fall into place in His perfect time.

2. the time spent with my family. since i quit my job in my previous company, i went home from Japan and stayed in Manila for more than a month. though i was a bum, i enjoyed spending time just staying at home.

3. knowing the Ogawa family. i’ve met them early last year and though i’ve only known them for a short time, i’m really grateful that they’re treating me as if i’m a part of their family. whenever i’m with them, i could feel their genuine concern for me. and i’m really thankful and grateful to God for giving me a family here in a foreign land.

4. gift of music. i love music, and i love singing in the choir. i thank God for my friends in the choir and everytime we’re singing and playing musical instruments for God, i can’t help but praise and thank God. i also thank God for continuously providing me and for letting me improve my gifts. i’ve learned before (and somehow experience) that if i don’t use the talents that He gave me, He could take it away from me. after experiencing some difficulties before in singing, there’s nothing else i want except to share this gift to other people.

5. Lenten Retreat. i thank God for the opportunity to attend this lenten retreat. not only did i realized so many things, i also was able to meet old and new friends. and of course, i also had an opportunity to serve (by playing the guitar).

6. participating in the Unity and Bonding. because of this opportunity, i was able to meet not only the Ogawa family but other wonderful people as well. they’re sweet and very nice and they treat everyone as if they’re one big family.

7. new job and i’m enjoying it. need i say more?

these are just some of the blessings that i’ve received the past year. and those blessings may not be written here, but i also thank God for those, however small they may be.

for this new year, i’m excited for the blessings that i’ll receive and things that i will learn.

who said that doing something that you really love wouldn’t make you feel tired? right now, i’m doing something that i know i really love, but God! doing this for over a month now, eventhough i love my work, i’m really really REALLY tired of this..

i just wish this project ends soon..

spending christmas away from home is never a good experience for me. for us Filipinos, there’s no other place to spend it but with family. and of course, who wouldn’t miss the celebrations that we usually have in the Philippines?

i spent my christmas eve doing overtime work. i worked until 10pm, and the only people in the office that time was me and my boss. i was doing my best to finish all the revisions, so i wouldn’t have to go to the office the next day. i was on my way to ate cecile’s house (to spend the christmas there), when my boss texted me, saying that there were still bugs on my module and he’s asking if i could come to the office the next day (despite that i was on leave that day). i don’t want to be the cause of delay in our project, so i said i’d come by the office in the evening.

i met len at the station near her office (she had work at an apparel shop that night) around 11.15pm. then when we arrive at their house, we had spaghetti and chicken. it was simple, but i greatly appreciated it.

the next day, i just went to church, had a christmas lunch with fiona, and then went back to ate cecile’s house to hang out. i left there around 5pm to go to the office. and then i worked until 9pm.

and so.. that was my christmas.

ever since i came back here, i’ve been busy with my work. every day, i have over time. the last time i’ve experienced this was 2005, when me and Arthur first came in Murase Denki. I experienced working til 11pm during winter! it was a good thing that we live beside the office, but anyway, we were so busy back then.

and right now, i’m also that busy. the project has just started last september and development started last month. and based on our project schedule, we’d be like this until about april.

but i’m not really complaining that i’m so busy. it somehow helps me to forget that christmas is just around the corner. i know that during this time, i’m more prone to homesickness, especially now that i’m alone here. first christmas without any filipinos around me. but of course, i would not stay home for the holidays. i’d be spending with ate cecile and her family in nagoya. christmas, after all, should be spent with family, or in my case, people i consider as family.

The Domannaka Matsuri (DoMatsuri) in Nagoya was held last August 30-31. It is the largest dance festival in the Chubu Region (and probably in Japan). Dance groups from all over the country participated in this festival every year, and sometimes, there were also groups from abroad. This year, about 200 groups participated and one  of them is PSJ.

One of the goals of PSJ is to introduce and share our culture not only to the Japanese community but also to our fellow foreigners here in Japan. And for this year, the group decided to perform the very lively and festive dance of Sinulog.

I was sort-of tasked to prepare the costumes and the other props that they’ll be using since I’ll be in the Philippines for a week. It was really tiring and very stressful preparing all the things that they need. aside from the fact that it’s very costly.

Anyway, all our efforts were not in vain since the performance was a success, and everyone, dancers and audience alike, enjoyed the dance.

But despite these efforts, some people gave not-so-good criticisms. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t hate criticisms, as long as it is given the right way. I welcome feedbacks and criticisms ’cause we’d know where we should improve on to make the performance better. But then again, if said in the wrong way, these could become offensive. And I was sort of offended in a way. Performing Sinulog is hard work from the conceptualization to actualization. It wasn’t an easy task, but everyone helped and tried their best. I was a bit pissed off because the person, who said those negative feedbacks, is also a member of the group but didn’t offer any help nor encouragement before or during the performance. That person likes to point out that the dance was not good compared to the last dance that they performed Ati-atihan when he/she was still active, as if implying that the Sinulog was not that successful because he/she didn’t participate. That kind of comment was uncalled for. Unknowingly, he/she offended everyone who gave up their weekends/vacations just to contribute to this performance. As I’ve said before, it’s okay to give criticisms as long as it’s given the right way. And it’s okay to complain on something, as long as you’ve also given/did your part.