Category Archives: deep thoughts

musings.. realizations.. philosophy in life..

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don’t talk to strangers

“don’t talk to strangers.” that’s one of the first things that our parents taught us when we were young. and now, it’s my turn to tell that to my nephews and nieces whenever i see them.

when i was young, my parents never failed to tell me this – “don’t talk to strangers.” as i look back now, there were several times that i didn’t follow what they said. being a child, trusting the adults was very easy for me. and since i was raised in an environment where i could trust the adults around me, i didn’t realize the danger of talking to any stranger. i had some bad experiences talking with them, but fortunately, nothing bad happened to me.

now that i’m already an adult, i thought that i wouldn’t have any problems talking with strangers. hey, i’m already old right? i could take care of myself. but then again, could i? i had some experiences with strangers before. some were good, some were bad. being in a foreign land, talking with strangers is natural for me. i mean, if i meet a fellow foreigner, most of the time, we exchange names and even phone numbers. i could do that here in japan, but i’d definitely not try that in my own country. i know, it’s really wrong. maybe i’m just too friendly and too nice. maybe i’m just too trusting. and probably i’m too naive.

am i making any sense? i hope so. and my resolution? don’t be too naive and too trusting, especially with people i just met. and don’t talk to strangers.

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Still okay after 2 weeks..

I’m still okay.. It’s been 2 weeks (or is it 3 weeks already?) since my mood dropped. I can say that I’ve gotten used to being alone here in Nagoya. Though I still experience homesickness, especially now that the night is longer (it’s already autumn here, winter will come soon).. But I’m happy to say that I’m okay, and that I’m looking forward to some things in my life right now.

What did I get from those times when I was depressed? For one thing, I realized that I should learn how to trust God more, and learn to allow myself to be comforted by God. It’s been tough to be alone, with no one to talk to or to turn to. I have family and friends, but I can’t really really rely on them to comfort and to keep me company 24/7. God is the only one who could do this.

I also realized how fortunate I am for having family and friends who cares for me. My family are online every day, we have video call every night even if we don’t have anything to talk to. Sometimes, we just connect through Skype and we do our own stuff (e.g. play computer games, surf the net, etc). Thank God for broadband internet! There were times that I even join them in their daily rosary. As for my friends, I’m also fortunate to have people who keeps me company and encourages me to move on.

As I reflect on these, I realized that I’ve become stronger and more mature. It also made me to think how blessed I’ve been. Also, God allowed me to see how His wonders. As I continue to strive in this foreign land, I’m hopeful and excited how He would continue to mold me into a better person.

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almost a month..

it’s been almost a month since i last wrote my last entry. what has happened in the last 29 days that i was alone here in japan?

the first few days were difficult. it’s as if the reality of being alone here in ogawa had finally sink in me. when in the office, i was controlling my tears while trying to force a smile. and i knew that i’d lose my mind if i don’t get out of the office, so i took a day off on oct. 3 to reflect on things. so i just went to mikokoro to attend the mass and pray.

in the mass, i lifted up to god all the things that’s building in my mind. and i was also grateful that after the mass, me and dawn had a talk. i told her about my fears and the things in my mind. after talking to her, i felt a lot better. maybe i just needed to voice it out.

i know that god wouldn’t let me be in this situation if i can’t overcome this. and i’m very thankful that He gave me people to help me through this. when i’m in the office, thyra keeps me company with her emails, checking if i’m okay. and at home, my family’s keeping me company through skype. and when i’m not with my family, thyra and me have a marathon on the phone.

i still experienced sadness, loneliness and depression, but i’m grateful that god has given me family and friends who encourage me in this experience.

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on my own

As time passes by, I know that this wouldn’t be an ordinary day. The reality of being alone in Nagoya is slowly sinking in to my mind. My mind is telling me that everything would be fine, but my heart is yelling I’m not going to be okay.

This is not the first time that I was left alone in Nagoya. Actually, it happened 2x before. The first time, I was alone for only 2 weeks. The next, I was alone for a month. But those times, I knew that someone would be coming here after some weeks. But right now, though they said that someone’s coming, I’m not sure who the person is and when she is coming here. My best bet would be next year.

Right now, I’m thinking on how I would face this situation, on how I would cope.. Maybe for now, I would just have to bear the weekdays and hope that the weekends would be better.

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don’t just say “sorry”

most of us, if not all, experienced death in our lives. it may be your grandparents, parents, sibling, a friend or just someone we know. and often, we receive condolences from other people, telling us how sorry they are for our loss. when my dad died 2 years ago, our family received these same words of comforts from friends and relatives.

it was about 3am when we heard our mom called us hysterically from our room. it’s only been hours when we (my whole family except my younger brother) were telling stories and joking around, i just learned that day that i’d be going to japan for a long term assignment and we’re talking about what would happen in the future. when we  saw our dad, he was already unconscious. while my sister performed CPR, my kuya called a taxi and we brought our dad to the emergency room of a nearby hospital.

while the medical team of that hospital tried reviving our dad, i was silently praying at a corner. i was praying to God that may He prepare my family for whatever may happen and may we accept it wholeheartedly. that’s the only prayer that kept going on inside my mind. when they finally declared that he’s gone, i said a brief prayer and remembered how proud i was (and still am) that i was his daughter. and the only song that kept playing inside my mind was “the leader of the band”. it was our favorite song.

it was about 5am when i went back home and my brother stayed at the hospital to arrange the wake. my mom told me that i should go to the office since i was just still new in the company and that i should properly take a leave of absence. though i really didn’t want to go to the office for obvious reasons, i followed what my mom said. i’m not sure which one was harder, the “alone” time while i was on board a bus bound for alabang, replaying inside my mind what had happened from 3AM at home up to the time the people from the hospital told us that my dad was gone, or seeing my officemates and telling me condolences (i sent an SMS message to my team leader to pray for my dad). every one thought that i wouldn’t go to the office and when i did, everyone was telling me that i should have taken the day off.

i really appreciated those “condolences” and “sorry” that i’ve heard from my friends and colleagues. even my officemates in yokohama called just to give me some comforting words. but honestly, it didn’t help me at that time. it actually gave me more pain than comfort to hear those words. it’s like, putting salt to wounds. maybe that time, i was still in denial, trying to forget what had happened, and probably wishing that it was but a bad dream. but whenever they say these words that were supposed to comfort me, they made me feel worse.. because whenever i heard those words, they reminded me that my dad, who was laughing with us the other night, was already gone. and since i went to the office before i had my cry, i was fighting very hard to control myself.

sometimes, it helps not to say “sorry” or “condolences”. just be there, and perhaps a tap on the shoulder or a hug could do a lot than any words of comfort. but if you really can’t help yourself, a simple phrase: “i’m here for you” would make a lot of difference.

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just passing by…

i went to church this afternoon. anticipated mass. i realized so many things this afternoon (before, during and after the mass). well, those realizations actually made me a bit sad.. a bit hopeful..

i realized that the people in the saturday night choir are not permanent members of the choir. the people just come and go. well, majority of the members are here in japan for a year or two and then they go back to their own countries. Or they transfer to another city or prefecture. we’re actually lucky if we really get to know the person before he/she moves on. and because of this constant change, i wonder if i’d be able to really know someone.. or if i’d have a true friend in them..

something happened to me two weeks ago. traumatic actually, and i’m really glad that nothing happened to me. and that time, i felt so helpless and all i want was to talk to someone (a friend whom i consider an ate). and as i try to handle the psychological effects that happened that day, i realized that the support of family and friends is the one thing that my company can’t give me. i consider some of my japanese colleagues here as friends. but the friend that i’m looking for is someone whom i could call/talk to in the wee hours of the day especially when i experience homesickness or loneliness. a friend whom i could ask help/advice, who wouldn’t hesitate to scold/disagree with me. a friend who tells me things that i needed to hear and not the things that i want to hear. a friend who encourages me and gives me hope and helps me dream.

i just miss my family and friends..

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emotional..

i’ve been here in Japan for almost 1.5 years already.. and i know that i’ve already gotten used to living alone. but still, there are times that i would feel lonely and wish that i’m in manila.

last weekend, i was watching one piece. there was this episode about Nami-chan. she’s the navigator of Luffy. the people of Nami’s village were asking two of Luffy’s friends why they’re helping them. they said, because Nami cried and sacrificed her life for the villagers. i know that it’s only anime and probably that situation wouldn’t happen in real life. but i was really touched by it. i actually cried on those episodes about Nami. it’s like, when you become one of Luffy’s crew, you really become friends.. nakama..

why did i cry? i remember my nakama in manila. my family.. my brothers and sisters in my community.. my friends.. i already have new friends here.. considered them as my family.. but the ones whom i’ve left in manila, they’re irreplaceable..

i emailed my college friends.. one of them sent a reply.. when i read the email, i almost cried.. almost.. yeah.. maybe if i’m in Manila, we would hardly see each other. we’d be very busy with work.. and we’d also have other friends in the office.. somehow, being away makes me want to know more about them.. what’s happening in their lives.. i remember what my other friend told me.. she said, i’m luckier than her cause even though i’m miles and ocean’s away, i know more about what’s happening to our other friends than her. maybe they’re just too busy.. busy with work.. busy with their lives..

i realized that i’m becoming emotional nowadays.. maybe i’m just really homesick.. and maybe lonely.. hohumm.. this will pass.. i know it will..

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Journey back to the Land of the Rising Sun

My flight back here in Japan last January wasn’t that hard as I thought it would be. I was more aware of where to go, what to do. I tried to “enjoy” what I didn’t felt when I left the first time. I took my time going to the departure area. I went around looking for souvenirs.

In the plane, I listened to music and slept. I didn’t sleep much the night before because of the preparations I had to make. The crammer that I am, I finished packing my things past 11pm.

Back here in Japan, I met my friends in Yokohama and my elementary friend in Tokyo. Then back here in Nagoya, I met my choir mates and other friends. After being in Manila for more than 1 month, I realized that I was really blessed. I have a good family who loves me and friends who would support me. And here in Japan, I found friends that I could call my family. Yes.. I’m truly blessed.