That’s what I’ve been feeling these past months.
I want to go home, but I want to stay here. I want to be with my family, but I worry the people that I will leave. I want to do a lot of things for my family, but I don’t know where and how to start. Frustrations everywhere, sometimes I just don’t know what to think.
There are times that I feel that I am incapable of doing my job effectively because of the level of Japanese I know. Frustrations abound, not on my career but on communication. They said that I am being given a very good opportunity, that my skills are validated by the amount of responsibilities that they are giving me. I am thankful for that, but with it comes greater pressure to “understand” them more. I still have a lot to learn, not only in the business and in my work, but more so, in the language.
I want to go, and I want to stay. If only there is a way to make things easier.. Or maybe I just need to pray, and pray more.
I’m on my first week at work after having a brief vacation in the Philippines. Maia is already 11 months old and she’s already big! She can almost walk now, and she loves playing with her brother. Although she’s hitting him most of the time, especially when Kuya doesn’t lend her some of his toys, I’m proud that Kuya Miguel does not hit her back and just lets his baby sister do that to him. He’s also very protective, like that time when we were at my mom’s place. They have a dog that wanted to play and kept on jumping near where were were seated. Kuya Miguel kept on holding Maia’s feet while shouting “your feet! your feet!” so the dog won’t reach her. So proud of my little boy.
When Maia first saw me, of course, she doesn’t know me. She didn’t want to go with me. Though I’ve expected that to happen, it really broke my heart. After a while, she let me carry her, only when some familiar people were around. When she realizes that she’s only with me, she’d start to cry. *sigh* As I’ve said, I’ve expected that to happen but it hurts more than I had anticipated.
As for Kuya Miguel, the hardest part is again leaving him. I just met him and he kept on asking me if I was leaving. And I almost cried when I was telling him that I’d go back to Japan again, and he was telling me that he wanted to go with me. I am so sorry for letting them experience this emotional roller coaster. But right now, we have to make do with what we have.
Don’t worry babies, I’ll be with you soon.
It’s been 6 months since I gave birth to Maia. I’m not even sure if I really have post partum depression, since it is hard to distinguish from the normal “homesickness” that most OFWs experience. Three months after I gave birth, I came back here in Japan alone. It was okay the first week, but after that, the reality of not being with my family hit me hard. I had mood swings and my stress level was really high. I had panic attacks and I was losing hair.
There are things that I still cannot accept, like not being able to hold and kiss my babies and not be able to see their milestones. I would forever be worried and paranoid of their safety, and always long for that moment when I would be beside them when they sleep. And the most painful thing is that, she would not know or recognize me. And probably, saying “Mama” or “Mommy” would be the last thing she would say. It really breaks my heart realizing that. Before, Miguel also cannot say “Mama” and it also hurt but since we’re together, it really didn’t matter. But now, we’re oceans apart, and it really hurts. I’m always wondering, will she know who I am.
It’s already the 2015! I’m back in Japan, and already on my 2nd week at work. Wala pa rin ako sa mood mag-work.. My mind is still in vacation, and I can’t shake off the laziness that I’m feeling. Anyway, it’s not that busy so I guess it’s still okay.
It’s already the Philippines’ election on Monday. And this would be my first time to vote, and it would be as an absentee voter. Though I live in a different country, I still have deep concern about the welfare of our country. And of course, whatever laws they pass, I’m sure that I would still be directly affected by these.
So who to choose? hmm.. as my friends have posted in FB, there aren’t much choice in the current list. who do you suggest? what are the things that you look for in a candidate? what platforms do you think should be prioritized?
Wow! It has been ages since I last wrote something here. The last one that I wrote, Miguel was only a few months old. But now, he’s already 1 year old! Time really flies!
So what are the updates? He still cannot walk, but practicing everyday. I’m sure in a few week’s time, he’ll get that courage to let go of our hands and walk on his own 🙂 Don’t worry baby, we’re just behind you, ready to catch you when you fall 🙂
As for eating, he’s becoming a picky-eater, and he’s really interested in eating by himself. So what we do, we give him some food that he can eat on his own (like flakes of salmon, some bread, slices of cheese, etc.) But I need some inspiration on what to cook for him. I know that since he is already 12 months old, he can eat anything. I just need some menu or some plan as to what to prepare. And of course, I hope it would be something that me and my husband can eat as well, so I don’t need to cook 2 different meals.
Hmm.. any suggestions?
Miguel is already 2 months, and would be turning 3 months on the 17th. And right now, I can’t helped but be proud of our little boy because he already has a routine at night 🙂 He sleeps around 8pm (before, it was 9pm) and the earliest that he wakes up is 4:30AM. Our “settling down” starts at around 7:30PM. And like clockwork, he’s asleep by 8.
And because of this routine, we manage to do other stuffs (like chores and baking) and get enough sleep. And though sometimes it is difficult for him to sleep well (well, he’s only sleeping on his stroller..) whenever we go out, we still manage to go back to his schedule.
So Miguelito, don’t change your routine yet, okay? Well, I hope it would continue to be smooth sailing for us. 🙂
To reheat bread (like pandesal) in the microwave, wrap the bread with kitchen towel. It would absorb the moisture that would tend to make your bread “tough” and chewy. But thanks to the kitchen towel, it made my pandesal this morning so soft 🙂
Last Sunday, I baked some muffins for Miguel’s baptism. And after so many tries, this is the recipe that I’ve used, with some modifications, of course 🙂
- 2-3 ripe banana
- 1/3 c sugar (1/2 c if you want it sweeter)
- 1 egg
- 1 1/2 t baking powder
- 3/4 c all purpose flour
- 1/3 c melted butter
- cinnamon powder (optional)
- chocolate chips (optional)
- nuts (optional)
- Preheat oven to 190 C.
- Mash bananas. Add sugar and slightly beaten egg and mix well. Add the melted butter.
- On a separate bowl, combine flour and baking powder and mix well. Make a well in the middle and add the banana mixture. Add cinnamon, chocolate chips and nuts. Mix them until all the flour are moist. Don’t overmix. The batter should still be lumpy and not smooth.
- Grease muffin pan (no need to grease silicon pans). Fill the pans up to 2/3 full. Don’t fill the cup more than 3/4 full, lest your muffins will have a flat top. And if you don’t have enough batter to fill up every muffin cup, fill the empty ones with 2-3 T of water so as to prevent the pan from warping.
- Sprinkle some brown sugar on top. (Optional)
- Bake the muffins for 20 minutes.
Our son, Miguel Alfonso, officially became a Christian last Sunday, June 24, 2012. 🙂 And it was the perfect timing to have his baptism (aside from the fact that it was my birthday). Last Sunday was also the feast of St. John the Baptist, who was Jesus’ cousin and who baptized him at the Jordan River.
with Ninang Fiona and Ninong Richard
We almost filled the chapel with our guests, and they’re saying that they’ve never seen such number of people for a baptism at Mikokoro Center. Unfortunately, most of Miguel’s godparents are in the Philippines and abroad. But I’m sure that even if they’re not with us, they’ve kept us in their prayers 🙂
And I can’t help but be proud of our little boy, he didn’t cry when Father Humphries poured the holy water on his head. He probably thought that it’s bath time already (he loves taking a bath :)), and maybe wondering when the water will reach his body. lol!
Special thanks to Ate Noemi, Ate Rose and Mommy for the wonderful dishes they’ve prepared. And also, Tita Tanggee for the delicious chocolate cake, Ate Jo for the kutsinta (a native delicacy) and Ate Cecile for some dessert goodies. And of course, my sister who came for a visit just in time for Miguel’s baptism.